Name
Michelle Clark

Brain Tumor Type
Adenoma

Date of Diagnosis
June 2005

Participant Group
Caregiver/Family Member

Category
Photography/Digital Art

Artist Statement (include type of art, techniques & materials used, what it means to you)
"I Wished You Were Dead" is the first of a two-part series of digital paintings that reveal my dark experience with a brain tumor diagnosis in the family. My art focuses on the anguish, guilt, anxiety, and preemptive grief that a brain tumor patient and their family might experience after being diagnosed. The text in my work expresses my inner thoughts after finding out that my mother was diagnosed with what I believe was, adenoma (I was about ten at the time, so I am not completely sure). The subject takes place just after I found out the terrible news. Seeing the images shattered each of us for different reasons. She was wrecked with worry for herself and the future of her family. I was crushed under the weight of the guilt from the words I had sharpened against my mother just an hour prior. For context, this is my story:

The night of the terrible news, my mother and I had a furious argument over something I now know was trivial to say the least. Stewing with rage, I declared with cosmic irony that I wished she was dead. About an hour later, I found out that my wish might be granted. Filled with a shame that would take decades to resolve, I spent every day until her surgery wishing it was me instead of her. In my young mind, I had cursed her. Much to my eternal gratitude, our story had an unexpectedly happy ending. But the moments in between changed me, and I'm glad it did. That is the story I wish to tell.

Although I acknowledge the importance of hope, gratitude, and positivity during such a grave situation; I chose not to make that the focus of my work because I wish to reach the families of brain tumor patients who might relate to my story- those who know what it's like to regret so deeply it makes you question your place on earth, and those who love so strongly that they would bargain with their own life. My new wish is that, from the images of an amature digital artist, others might learn from my foolishness. Therefore, I leave you with this urgent message:

It is all too easy to take life for granted. Now is the time to forgive, to come together, and to let our loved ones know how precious they are to us, because we may not always have that opportunity.

All of my love goes out to those who have been diagnosed with a brain tumor, and to each of their family members. My story is a testament that, even if it feels like the cosmos is punishing you, there is hope and there is love. Always.

Artist Bio: Tell Us Your Story
I am a life-long student of the Arts, and although I specialize in photography and many tradional mediums, I have recently set my sights on exploring the digital arts. I have found that it is quite different from tradional mediums in many ways, but that is part of what makes it fun to learn!